Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
