glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
