Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Randomize
