Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Randomize
