I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
