3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
