I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
