From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
