i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Randomize
