My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
