and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
