If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
