I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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