you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
