you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Randomize
