1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
