Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Randomize
