Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
