i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Holy sore nipples Batman
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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