dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
