I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
