Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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