Ambien. No doubt about it.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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