The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
