i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
