I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
