why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
