You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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