It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
All I want is dick and wine.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
