What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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