Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
