Buhtt sex?
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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