So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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