when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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