WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
