During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Randomize
