My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
the day after is always just damage control
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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