I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
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