New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Randomize
