You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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