God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Randomize
