I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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