I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
