I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
