so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
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