I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
