Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
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