and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
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