the condom got lost in my hair
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Randomize
