You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Randomize
